Fuck South Swells

Swell events are like Tom Wolfe's endorsement of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: "A SCORCHING EPOCHAL SENSATION!"

Damn Right. With A Catch.

While Hurricane Marie's swell event is still underway, lighting up the shores of Newport and beyond, only a fraction of the juicy footage has been released of the highlights. Oh, sweet nectar. The ballyhoo is building.

Unfortunately, jaded northerners like myself cannot stand such overvalued hype. The few times of year SoCal isn't Huntington Hop Slop, it is plagued with aggressively angled lefts, antsy pros in the wild, and equally-as-antsy-footy-mongers; come on, let's not pretend like the Jetty cam rewinds aren't actually higher quality than anything Brother is giving us in FUDO.

Again, I'm from the north, our season of consequence is longer than these spurts of tropical magia.
Again, I can't stand this hype.

There are two principal reasons for this: First, the crowds. Second, the fact that these are novelty waves; this is not reality.

The lineups are teeming with bodies, like flies on a carcass. The onslaught of locals, desperate for fall off-shores, paired with the "Poopie's" Funday cult, the Koa Smith POV boys, Et. al, has turned the average surfer into a spectator at their own breaks. Not to mention, Timmy Reyes can hop off any ledge and find his way into any cavern he wants... it's just not fair! The crowd factor is a clear inhibitor that brings me great displeasure. However some folks, nay - few, have managed to circumvent.

I reached out to Patron Saint, Joel Tudor, to find out if he scored, and to what extent. Did he get snaked by Rothman? Oh no. That wouldn't fly. At all.

He went to a firing home break sparse of the chaos; "[It] was mainly locals in town catching waves; Pros unless from here get nada."

Oh, the icing on the cake? He mentioned there wasn't a single Gopro in the water. Not a single football mouthguard modded to fit a POV box down your throat. My read here is -- true locals know where/when to stash their Lucky Charms. Good luck finding 'em.

The Gripe Continues: The waves are not what I would consider a point of pride. As a proud regular foot, you bet your bottom dollar I enjoy windshield wiping my way across a clean face. But these waves -- they're much different. Zippers, weird ledges, sharp angles; reelers and peelers. These are gimmick waves for photographers seeking a media grab they, quite frankly, required little effort in seeking out. Wouldn't you rather have clean peaks, a larger variety of take-off options, hell, even a RIGHT?

Tropical storms bring waves of dreams that grossly inflate the actual quality of many of these breaks. They surely are worth reveling, but this, this is just mayhem.

Again, I'm from the north, and I'm jaded, and I'm a regular foot.
Again, I can't stand this hype.