Slater Commentates His... Own Event?

Ah Yes, Color Commentary: The art of narration in real time; methodically breaking down the strategy behind an athlete’s mind; deliberating the next move. Judgment; passionate, emotionally charged judgment.

My feelings on such are omni-mixed; Shaq & Chucks’ Inside the NBA banter is comically unhinged. Adjacently, Romo and Brady are able to give me a relatively deep analysis of a quarterback’s mind when switching from a run to a pass-play after identifying a blitz. Unsurprisingly neat, however— this is often a dish paired with a tasting of anecdotes either too broad in analysis, or too nuanced for any non-athlete to consume.

Which brings us to the 2026 Outerknown Pro.

Moments after Slater’s victorious Round 1 win against Hanneman, which, was paired with some rightfully boisterous glazing from Commentator Felicity Palmateer, Kelly joined the hosts himself to opine on Seth and Yago’s heat.

Wait… an athlete? Commenting on other athletes? In the middle of the competition? Imagine if Lebron hopped off the bench to tell Bill Macdonald what he really thinks about Shai’s persistent flopping.

From inserting himself as a wildcard into an event he’s sponsoring, to judging the very competition he is up against, this had me thinking —

How Fucking Cosmically Large Has Slater’s Head Become?

It pains me to admit, oh so very much, that I actually want to listen to him.

The WSL is cosplaying as the Christopher Nolan of surf scripture; and this is hero's journey AF. Not only is Kelly absolutely shreddy eddy at the ripe age of 54, he is arguably (and more importantly) -- an interesting tune-in.

Nuance about where to sit when waves angle in from the west;

• The exact quiver — 5’10”-6’2” with a needly nose, similar to that of a 90s board.
• Not needing too much fin
• A strategy breakdown of Seth’s confidence and patience in waves formally requiring late takeoffs, and how this confidence can be channeled to intimidate Yago.
• Tactically heat surfing offense and defense
• Getting an adrenaline kick from being out there by the buoy on a jetski.
• Feeling, really feeling, the energy of the waves.

Giving me something of substance, while simultaneously sounding remotely more cerebral than Kaipo “Do You Like my Pidgin?” Guerrero, or Jesse “Do You Like my CodeSwitched Pidgin?” Mendes, or for that matter, Joe Turpel — who I actually like. Because he’s clearly stoned.

It is definitely unclear if Kelly Slater will be the next Brady-esque commentator, but I am not not satisfied with the notion. A shower thought to depart on-- the need to sound Intentionally Dumbfounded seems like a cry for core, and ought to leave surf commentary. Do less, think more. Bring in the surf brains, and couple such with interesting characters who know how to tell a story, and keep it brief. Slater tackled the assignment.

It’s Pissing Me Off.